October 29, 2007 - BOSTON, MASS.
It was reported today that a recent study showed Americans had lost all rooting interest for New England teams and New Englanders themselves, unless they happened to be one. The study comes in the wake of the Red Sox clinching the world series on the same day that the Patriots improved to 8-0 with a 52-7 drubbing of the Washington Redskins. It appears Boston, once the darling of the underdog lovers across the world, is no longer fun to root for.
"I think it comes from the earlier part of the decade, when the Sox and Pats were always destined to fuck up," says Boston street psychologist Sean O' Flannery. "Remember the 2001 Pats? No one thought they'd beat the Rams. They always pissed themselves in the big game. But they won, behind a true underdog in Tom Brady, and it was a great story. And then, my Gawd, the curse. The Sox! Down 3-0! Everyone hates the Yankees! But they pulled it off, and then everyone couldn't help themselves."
The study confirmed that people across the country, exculding New England, began to get tired of seeing the Red Sox and Patriots on TV constantly. The national sports media, once fixated on New York, has made Boston its go-to source of overused footage. The go-fuck-yourself attitudes of Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Sox ace Curt Schilling did not help matters. Former out-of-nowhere, great underdog story Tom Brady now goes through supermodels like a pack of Newports and appears on magazines from GQ to Cat Fancy. The Sox payroll is topped only by the Paris Hilton-esque spending Yankees. The lovable underdog image is clearly gone, according to the report. Both teams were favored to win titles this year, and the Sox have done so.
"You want suffering, we've got it," said longtime Cleveland resident Arnie Biffer. "People thought it was cute that the Sox came back to win the ALCS. CUTE??? We haven't won the series since WW2. We haven't even BEEN to a Super Bowl yet. But there they are, getting all the attention. They think they're cute.
You ain't cute anymore, Boston."
America, it seems, agrees.